Grief is a sense of loss.We grieve for different reasons and in different ways.It could be the loss of a job,relationship,leaving a place of residence or loosing a house to foreclosure.
The physical separation from the people we love or a friend or family member passing.
Now,what i am going to share with you is not something that i usually talk about. When it happened, I told only a few people, because I did not know how I would react, once I start talking about it.I also did not tell a lot of people for fear that when they console me I might lose it.it was such an emotional moment. Full of confusion and physical pain associated with the miscarriage. Several moments I would catch myself thinking like..” Why I am going through all this pain, as if I will have anything to show for it.”
In 2002 I got pregnant, it was a surprise pregnancy for my husband and I. We started to plan for the new baby, but alas on January 27th, I had a miscarriage. Some of our friends and family members knew we had closed the chapter on having more kids mentally. And for some people who knew this, when they heard about the miscarriage they took it lightly.
Somebody said to me, “But you were not planning to have another baby right?”
Insinuating that since it was an unplanned baby, they expect us to be fine with the miscarriage. It really hurt me, but I could not express myself. During times like these, people can say hurtful things unknowingly and unintentionally. That’s why it’s better to just say sorry and be there for someone. Especially when you don’t know/not sure what to says
Grief and the process
I was thinking like, ” how can I not be in pain,? How can I not be grieving when I just lost a baby.”
Which brings me to one very important point. If you don’t know what to say when somebody is grieving,just be there for them. Dont talk much.Or just say,”I am sorry”
The grief for me was too deep to bear.This was my baby,our baby.Part of us. I tried brave up emotionally, but I could not.The pain of the miscarriage,physically was also unbearable. I started to research on the internet, about other women that had lost their babies through miscarriages. Would do this daily, for those days I was still deeply grieving. Eventually, I found a forum which was very helpful. Unfortunately i can’t remember its name. And I began to notice that the things I was going through were not unusual.
I would think like,”what could we have done to prevent this from happening? What really went wrong?” I could see that my husband was feeling like a failure because he did not know how best to comfort me. The best he could do was to be available to help if I needed anything.
I saw wanted to tell our girls about it, but was afraid that they would not know what to do with the information.They were 8 and 10 then.
Through hearing other people’s stories eventually the pain died down. Since the baby was due in September,usually every September I imagine how old the baby would have been. I also wonder about the gender.
Nowadays I can talk about it, without crying. And I can even console other women who have lost babies due to miscarriages. This is by God’s grace. I look forward to seeing my baby One Day in heaven. It’s gonna be a joyous time!